A Blog By Tam

Sonntag, 11. September 2016

IT WILL GET BETTER, WILL IT?
Why I chose this picture for today's post: It just simply pictures me whenever I'm loosing myself in endless thoughts. During those moments, I spend my time at the Neiße, starring at the water and the reflection on the water by night. It's quite. Calme. A good place for me to think more closely. Or I just write down my thoughts like now to ease my mind so I can continue sleeping.
I have dealt with a few topics recently, somehow they come back over and over again as if I'm supposed to find a solution for them. The usual topics mainly revolve around myself at the very moment, about how to deal with the past and its effect on the present, love, self-acceptance etc. I don't really know what to call today's content. You can decide for yourself. First, a little note: I hope the following lines won't evoke the impression of me being all depressed or melancholic. I'm trying to be a positive girl at anytime but sometimes you just can't. So, sorry for those of you who don't want to have that little bit of 'negativity' or 'sadness'. Stop right here. And besides, there's no need to feel any kind of pity, I'm doing just fine :)

A few years ago, I had to deal with a really big loss. My dad passed away out of a sudden and there I was: half-orphan. I never really shouted it out loud as I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. Most importantly I didn't want to put anyone in the position of feeling sorry. No good for you, no good for me. 
Actually, it has been almost 7 years now. Unbelieveable how much time has indeed past! The pain from the past slowly fades away and I feel like I'm doing all ok. I don't struggle with talking about it and I don't cry that much anymore. Time is medicine, a friend once told me. But somehtimes dreams prove me wrong. Maybe I haven't worked it out as much as I thought. Or is it usual to cry about it from time to time?
A few weeks ago, he was part of my dream and this really hardly happens. But whenever it happends, it leaves me devastated. My dreams including him are so vivid, so real. I'm  happy in those dreams, really, really happy. Until I start realizing that it's all an illusion. Then I start wishing that this dream could last forever, that I could see and feel him endlessly...all of a sudden I wake up, this dream is gone and he is gone. Everytime I'm facing that moment, I start crying. I cry so hard that I cannot hold it back just for a second. As if a huge wave hits my face. There I am, sitting on my bed, trying to calm down and going back to sleep. In my mind, I repeat the dream over and over again hoping that in the morning I'll still remember it. It's usually gone in the morning. All I remember then is that I had a dream of him. But I don't want to end up devastated again. I just want to be thankful and happy about being able to  see him, feel him again and just be with him. Sometimes I wonder, if the dream has any meaning? Is there a certain message to be conveyed? It's just, that we never talk in my dreams...so I dont know. We are just...there. I start to wonder about next time and what I would do if I get another chance to meet him in my dreams. Will I cry again? Will this pain eventually go away? I truely hope so because I don't want to be sad, I want to appreciate it and be...overall happy.

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