A Blog By Tam

Samstag, 1. Oktober 2016

Am I alright or just...out of this world?.
There's something that I was thinking about a lot recently and while everyone was partying inside yesterday I was fed up with it somehow that I went out. The look at the dark sky and the bright stars was wonderful (people where seriously asking me if I was all drunked because I layed there all by my self on the bench. The view was so uncommon but it was still nice that people cared :D).

The question or the topic that circled around my head was trust again. This word is so difficult to me. There is this saying "don't trust anyone but yourself" and there's definitely a lot of truth to it. Actually, I hate those absolute sayings or beliefs because generalizing is not the answer. Still, I gave it a thought. According to this saying no one ever can be trusted right? So, let's consider it as absolute: How can we ever love anyone if trust- the foundation of relationships and love- can ever exist? It furthermore implies that I'm a single "warrior" in this world, me against all. This thought is kinda terrifying isn't it? If I regard this saying as absolute then how can human beings survive and stay humans if there's no love and trust (provided that trust is connected to love)? Love is the essence of life, without love we wouldn't survive at all right? Science proves us but the rational mind can agree, too.
And I start asking myself why I'm so protecting myself, why there's a lack of trust in everyway. I don't mean that it reaches the extreme but I'm talking about the "healthy" level of mistrust and a bit more than that. I don't wanna explore my past I just wanted to understand why I act so over-protective in many situations. Why I literally release a little piece of me, opening a tini tiny slit of the window but a second later, I close it, lock it so it's not visible to anyone. I think the answer to that could be undeniably fear. Fear of what? Vulnerability? Insecurity? Of being back-stabbed, rejected and hurt? Maybe.

Once I open up myself just a bit, I feel like I'm mistaken, that it's not supposed to go the way it does. Then I start acting all weird, distanced and cold, like the curtains covering up the brightness. I don't want anyone to approach to much that I feel like being trapped in a dangerous zone. Cuz if I get there once, who knows if I'll ever make it out.
It then becomes a problem when I don't let anyone come to close. But what about making friends or going into a partnership? Well, as far as friends are concerned, that's ok but in terms of parntership...my mind is blocked. The fear of being hurt is too big. On the other hand I ask myself why I don't allow myself to gain those experiences? Cuz we only learn by walking out of the comfort zone right? Is it because there was no one yet I could start trusting and opening up myself to? Everytime I tell myself that the person is not worth opening up to. And it's exhausting. Is is because of me or haven't I just met the right person? Most importantly: Will I ever be ready?
Will this fear ever stop?

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