A Blog By Tam

Sonntag, 25. Dezember 2016

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU. I hope everbody is having a great time at home!
Even I did come back for Christmas because, well…it’s just Christmas and I didnt want to spend the holiday season all by myself. I’m not such a family person, for sure, still I was super happy to hug my little brother who missed me. I dont go home frequently because I just dont enjoy being home. Sometimes I asked myself „why“ and even tho deep down I was aware of the answer….I still couldnt articulate what was going on in my mind respectively what kept me away from going home. Today I’m just trying to express what is going in in my head. During christmas season, some topics got so significant 1) Beauty 2) Expectations (in relationships such as friends and family but also what is expected from me as a daugther). I will just refer to the first one as it might exceed the capacity oft he post :P
Everytime I’m coming back home – I’m not gonna lie – I feel this excitement next to those doubts and concerns. I’m happy to be back in my city, I love staring at the dome and I love being back with my family. But this excitement doesnt last for a long time and it gets covered by the concerns easily. It doesn’t take long for me to get into a discussion or fight with my mum…and we discuss about the stupidiest things that I can imagine of…really. Such a waste of energy…still I dont like being told or scold for something I dont agree with. So, I voice my opinion and then voices get louder and louder until we end up in an unnecessary fight. I know it’s so stupid and so useless, still I just cant take it back and I dont want to keep quiet. I’m too impulsive and also too proud for that. That just doesnt make me feel comfortable at home because I know exactly that it will be just the same for the next days. Nobody ever apologizes for being wrong or for shouting at each other. It’s such a sad story that adults are not capable of doing so. The thing is, it’s just like that among my family, usually in other situations and relationships, I’m not too pride at all to say sorry for things I committed falsely…with good friends, I can controle my pride and I can also show emotions and guilt. In my family…I can’t. I maintain this tough and cold image, I don’t wanna break down and show my vulnerable sites. Now that I say that, I remember back to something I was told about: It’s not that we „cant“, it’s rather because we don’t „want to“. Maybe it’s actually not that I can’t show my vulnerability but rather I simply don’t want to, do I? It’s always easier for me to convey that tough image of mine…right now, I just don’t want to show the true Tam, I dont want to open up myself to them. I’m not ready yet, maybe I will never be but right now, this though image seems bearable for me. Right now, they are not worth opening up to. As hard as it sounds…that’s just how I feel and it’s ok for me. And being far away from home helps me a lot to maintain this me…that me that I need, too…perhaps as a mirror of my own rebellion? The rebellion against this Asian culture my family role? Sometimes, I feel like that’s actually the explanation for me being like that…I don’t know for sure tho…

Anyways, to refer back tot he first bullet point up there:
I’m disappointed to death! Really…that’s absolutely a reason why I dont travel to Vietnam or why I avoid going back home and see my relatives. The first thing they will comment on is my body. Seriously, I mean it. After the „hello“ it’s something like „oh, you gained weight, didn’t you?“ or „wow, you look fatter than I remember.“. Well, thanks, I’m fine, hope you guys are, too?! Happy to see you guys, too, you know, I missed you so much, and I missed being greeted like that. Thanks!
If those people would have known HOW MUCH IT HURTS and how much it ATTACKS my self-esteem. Inside, I could slap them in their faces for saying that but I surrendered already. I dont waste my time being mad at them anymore because I know, it’s no use, they will say it again and again anyway. Instead, I just bear this pain inside myself…it hurts guys, how can you not see it or at least reflect upon it? Even tho, I told them already that I dont like being greeted like that, they still do it…because it’s just common. Even when I’m in Vietnam, they would say that. Why won’t they just slap me in the face right away instead of attacking my self-esteem? Because then I could defend myself but I dont’t love my self enough yet (or I dont have that security about myself yet) to give a shit about what they say. Thank you guys, for always ruining my self-esteem. Over the years, avoidance helped me a lot to protect myself from such harm. When I dont see my family and relatives, I try to work on myself, my self-love and I try to boost my self-esteem. It’s ABSOLUTELY fragile tho, anything can break it down at anytime…all the work and effort…down due one little comment. I’m working on it, I’m working on getting stronger and I’m working on just loving myself. In this fcked up world, that’s all I can do and I want it for myself so bad. I know, I will never fit this image of a woman, I will never be thin but I just want to accept and love myself for who I am, both inside and outside. I’m shocked, disappointed, upset, angry, anything, about the significance of beauty and of looking good in nowadays society.
By no means, i’m saying that I love everything about myself, that should be clear right now, what I’m saying is: I’m aware of the fact that this whole topic is SO PRESENT and I that I dont want it to affect my daily life. Against all this bullshit, I’m trying to love myself but people around me make it so hard. I’M also not saying that I try to avoid this topic because well…it concerns us in a way, it shouldnt be the main topic tho. Why can’t we human being not just love ourselves for who we are? We are who we are, we dont need to compare ourselves to other supermodels and other people. It just encourages self-doubt and insecurity. Why can’t we woman just encourage each other instead of tearing each other down? What is wrong with those people?! Can’t you just see it?! It just makes me speechless… and sad, you cannot believe it.
In my family everything revolves around beauty and being thin, eating less. Yes, god damn it, the whole day is dedicated to food, calories and how bad someone feels for eating too much. SO what, it’s freaking christmas!! Food makes us happy, food makes me happy. You can eat everything in moderation, don’t hate yourself for eating too much sometimes, it’s ok, dont bother your thoughts with how to get rid of all the calories, how less you can eat next day to compensate the overloead of calories. THAT just happens sometimes, so what?! Accept it, learn from it, move on and just LOVE YOURSELF.
Food is not harmful to our body, we ourselves turn it to something harmful. And when we think too much about it…it will make us sick, our body, our mind…it even can end up in bulimia and I don’t wish that for anyone! It is hard to accept it when someone in ur family is suffering from that sickness…and you have to watch her vomitting over and over again…but you’re helpless, you cannot interfere…and this ist he worst feeling ever. As long as the affected person doesnt see that she needs help…you cannot do anything about it. I just want to tell her: „Stop eating, please, you know how this ends up and you know how harmful this is for you“ but I am not allowed to say such things because…it’s non of business. It just isn’t..so I have to buckle the seat belt and just bear it. I voiced my concern, offered my help and that’s all I can do for now…I cry about it a lot inside of me but that’s another story.

It doesnt just conern food but also the outter appearance: I hate my nose, my teeth, this and that…and I want to have it fixed, bla, bla, bla. When I was young, I have always wanted to get my stomach fixed because I felt so fat and ugly. And thinking back tot hat: I AM TRUELY SHOCKED. As a kids, I was struggling with thoughts like this already. What else can I say except than society is fcked up?! Now I want to come back to what I said just then: what’s wrong with loving yourself? Can’t u just see that you are beautiful as well? We always aim for things that we dont have…instead of being thankful for what we already have and especially for who we are. I want to be like that, i want to be able to stand behind myself and body. One day I want to say: Tam, I love you, your soul and body because you deserve to be loved! And no, I don’t feel arrogant at all and no one should feel that way. There’s nothing wrong about loving oneself. And I feel like, the more insecurities you have, the more it will be visible tot he person next to you. People will see and people will notice just like people will recognize your self-love. No matter, how I feel about myself, either negative or positive, it will be recognized. So, let’s just work on ourselves to the extent, that one day, we can proudly announce, that we truely love ourself for who we are because that’s the most valuable gift you can get for yourself. I used to dislike my natural beauty but since I came back from India, I started to love my natural face. I dont need make up to go out anymore. Before that, I felt super uncomfortable wearing no make up, I would rather be late then go to uni without a little bit of concealer, blush, lipstick...you name it. So crazy! Also, I'm wearing breaced right now. SO WHAT?! I was complaining about it all the time, " I will look ugly", "I will be single for the rest of my life", I said...all I can say right now is: MIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMIMI!!!!! By now, it's ok for me, yeah, 2 years of my life, 2 years of "suffer". I decided to wear braces again so I will bear the consequences and actually it's not that bad! Really. Now I accepted it and I like both progresses. Tam, you did great so far, moving slowly but gradually! Changes need time for sure *.* 

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