A Blog By Tam

Donnerstag, 26. Januar 2017

DREAMS, I always have wondered what they wanna tell me in certain nights...ofc, when I remember them the next day. I am supposed to be studying at the moment but I want to take 45 minutes to write down my realization, I tried to wake up early today, just for once, to get back to my routine. Honestly, I haven't been studying as hard as I used to...just because I rely on chits this year, I admit it. And yes, I do feel bad about it, no doubt, but that's another story. Been thinking about all this yesterday already, wrote it down, freed my mind and I also discovered something new about me. There was this fear that I carried last night when I woke up at 4am...I tried to explain myself where it came from and what it represents. I figured it out, at least I think because all of the sudden the fear was gone and I am relieved about it.
After that I fell asleep again and 2 minutes before my alarm was supposed to wake me up, my dream ended and I was wide awake but also tired at the same time. Maybe it doesnt't make sense, but it does to me.

Anyway, back to the beginning. I do asked myself what message dreams hide from me. Because a few things come, go and appear again. I even have been sleeping so unregulary recently - another reason why I usually wake up super late. So, usually, when something bothers me I write it down and it usually helps. But still I was not 100% free from mya burdens and thoughts, something deeper was waiting for me I guess. I realized in my notes that I was actually pretty sad about a person and that I think I'll managa to swallow....cuz as I said in my last post "People come and people go" and they do...and I thought that's just it, you know that, life can go on from here. But I didn't...still could not sleep properly and dreams still revolve around it. And I think it's because things are unspoken and as much as I try to tell me that, I am not that kind of "I-swallow-this-shit-learn-and-move-on"-person, I actually have to talk with people about it. Yesterday, during lunch, I met a few people for some discussion and exchange. I was there with the closest people of me but this one thing was bothering the whole study periode and my sleeping habits...so I had to write it down, process it..still I had another dream about it. 2 same dreams in just one night. It has to be something really urgent. Something I want to tell those people to sleep peacefully again. So, when I woke up this moring, out of nowhere I left those people voicemails...I felt like sharing with the my thoughts even tho I tried to get on this 'swallow-learn-move-on'-path. Maybe, I'll be regretting it, but those dreams want to tell me something...I believe, it's just communication! Tell them what bothers you when they concern you, let them now, discuss about it and maybe you can sleep nicely again..at least I hope. So I did that...it feels weird but realising that makes me content. I also know now what I need: One thing is writing...and if it concerns people...communication is the key. I will see what happens today. Told those people to come around and just relax ...I'm scared, I really am...cuz, well, nobody likes uncomfortable conversations but they have to be taken place to clear things and to avoid misunderstandings. no matter how it ends today, worst case scenario would be like 'frienship' ends...I dont believe that tho but still I'm scared of that. It usually helps me to think about the worst thing that can happen so my mind can be prepared for that. Than, visually, I imagine what I might feel like, what I might do/say and what can happen after that...it calms me down but I have never been facing my worst case scenario yet so I think we'll work this out. At least we're grown ups, they know me too. They know I need to talk about stuff, that's just me and my honesty. And that's absolutely something I like about me. I thought , it's a weakness...becoming so emotioal...but at least your honest to yourself and to those people. Whatever they think, it's non of my business anyway. I wanna do myself justice so I'll be going through that uncomfortable conversation. Somewhere someone said: Admitting that you are wrong is another way of saying "I am brave (well, ok, she didnt use brave but in my eyes it is for sure braveness) and smarter than before". I beieve in that. With this being said, let's rock today. Have a nice day, spread love and positivity.

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