A Blog By Tam

Montag, 16. Januar 2017

"LASS DEIN GLÜCK NICHT ZIEHEN" was the name of the Indian movie that I watched. While watching this movie, everything just overwhelmed me yesterday: my down-phase, I'm not happy with this semester now, I dont wanna study at all because I just don't enjoy it, I'm mad about myself to for being, unconsciously, a gosspi girl (usually, I'm not aware of me being like that but when I am, I can stop myself from caring so much about other people's life), I'm disappointed about a person...and when people start giving a shit about me - at least I feel that way - I, consequently, start giving a shit about them..some kind of backlash I have developed over the years...to protect myself and to move on as well.

What I usually like about Bollywood movies are the message they convey (super cheesy tho haha). I mean, every movie has a kind of msg to the audience but somehow I can identify myself even more with them. I know about Indian culture or Asian cultures in genereal...and as much as I try to move away from that, the feeling of freedom and independence intensifies. In that movie, the main actor was living his life, pursuing his dreams of travelling the world. The conseuqences, he's aware of that but he's ready to take them. And yeah, he was considered as selfish because he did what HE WANTED, he left family and friends behind, rarely stayed in touch with them...in order to focus on himself. I totally get it because I am like him (considering my time in China and after China). Sometimes you just need a time-out...from everything and everyone to live your life, try out new things, meet new people, discover yourself and everything around you. I felt nostalgic while watching it and I literally shed tears. Crying about myself, my situation, my dad, maybe for being a bad person for not contatcing my family?! But inside, it felt right,  I would do it again if I could, just take this time-out...so, why am I even crying about it? Maybe guilty conscious? Why I am even piting myself? I can controle what I want to do and decide myself, so, when I dont change things, how dare I cry about it? I guess, it just made me realize how much I still wanna experience and how bad I'm suffering from wanderlust recently. I'm sick if this system and expectation from family and society.....and somehow, I feel trapped. A few things, I can influence, as going abroad after BA or just travel when it's affordable for me. Still, sooner or later, I have to work and earn my own money, and I want that, no doubt. This independence. But I have noticed also recently, how much I care about my future already, my CV, my marks, my appearance to others (maturity, thinking etc.)..insetad of just...live. I feel like, day by day passes and I'm not living as I want to. my life is boring....What does it mean for me to actually "live"? What expectations to life do I have? Does it only mean to go abroad and travel? What about sociale relationships? Friends? Activities and events that I enjoy? In fact, I was wondering if my intense wanderlust represents, deep down, a kind of escape from daily life? Maybe it represents procrastination as well? Fear of my working life later on? Or do I just wanna live before shit is getting damn real? I just wanna live before shit is getting damn real. Yeah, ad travelling is a huge aspect of that. As I feel so unbelievable free, uninhibited, reckless and so brave. When I'm abroad I just wanna try out so many new things that I am scared of but somehow I feel so encouraged to briden my horizon because I know exactly this experience is limited in time. So, yesterday, instead of studying, I checked out flights to another country. After all this work, exams, term papers, I will go somewhere...for a few weeks, a few days, god knows. Just enjoying myself. Have fun, stop thinking so much, feel vibrant and full of life again. I know this down-phases are meant to be there but I'm tired of it, keeps me awake the past days. EXPLORATION. CURIOUSITY. The two big meaningfull words...I will stick to my current situation...since I have decided to study here...and I actually like it...just this semester is so fcked up...unbelievable. Guess my emotions are going craycray as sual haha. After my duties I will transform to this curious and free bird again. So looking forward to that. Actually yeah, I should accept the situation as it is. Obeying this system in  a way but also be free. Sounds so pradoxe but it's possible. Study, work, earn money, spend it, live life, explore, satisfy my curiosity. This thought actually calms me down...wow, didn't think that would be possible..."Alles zu seiner Zeit" they say. Yes, "Alles zu seiner Zeit."

Well, this gosspi shit: All I can say is: I should be more aware of what I say. Think first then talk, Tam. I don't mean to hurt anybody or to offend anybody.I just dont recognize me as a gossip girl at all. People just tell me when they notice, and I am thankful for that because I dont like this trait myself. I wanna start caring about myself thus stop caring about what is going on in other people's life. Then I can be happy and even more thankful for what I have instead of socially compare myself which is, undeniably, unhealthy for the soul anyway.

People come and people leave. I've said this so many times. And it hurts every single time...but I dont wanna be the only one who tries to maintain this friendship. If there is no effort on the other side...why I should I be the stupid person who tries so hard? Yeah, I might care about that particular person...but I also dont wanna waste my time. Then maybe...we just have to let them go, haven't we? I'm sad about it, no doubt, and I had a dream last night about this person, how we talk, greet each other like we usually do. Then I woke up again...realizing that it's a "it used to be". But hey, I dont wanna be sad and I dont wanna mourn about because...people come and people go. I am still absolutely thankful for having spent this time with this person, for talking to this person, for being understood, for the warm heart. Maybe it is time to let go...we all move on but it's ok. Memories remain. Thankfulness remains. Maybe one day, we'll be chit chatting again, I would be really happy about it. Just this superficial chit chat...but as a friend once said: Maybe we should just appreciate this superficiality. Right? Always try to focus on the good, then well maybe...it's not meant to be. even tho it still slightly hurts. I'll be ok. I like to say "What ever happens, I'll be ok". And I will be for sure, bet on it!
In contrast, I just called a girl-friend of mine again a few days ago. it was so nice to talk to her after a long time. She was happy about it, too. Glad I did and glad she picked up...that busy chic...
Anyways, by the end of the day, I realize how much writing things down helps me in my chaotic mind. And I do feel better.

Have a nice week! <3

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