A Blog By Tam

Mittwoch, 8. Februar 2017

I'm trying to be more concious about what I say and what I do. I try to look behind my actions, try to understand what intention or motivation is hidden behind my actions because I believe there's always something that encourages you to say and do things the way you say or do it. Over the last few years, I've been trying to be more aware of me and my actions...just develop some kind of conciousness about myself. And the more I pay attention to that the more I figure out what exactly is the driving force for the majority of my actions. Not do I only understand myself more but I also figure out WHY I do and say certain things. I believe also that there are a bunch of people you are not aware of themselves too much which is why they also dont recognize things that I recognize. I feel like, the more I focus on that on other people, the more tolerant I get but also the more I learn from them, too. Especially I learn how I dont want to be but I also learn that this jealousy, haitred gossip, laughter is rooted in themselves....it's a projection of themselves...that they are just not aware of that (yet). And once we are aware of that...we can work on trying to ignore and avoid what others say...like my biggest and most awesome tea mug says it: Be yourself unless you can be a unicorn :D. It's indeed easier said than done, no doubt, but this recognition helps me to bring a bit distance between me and them. I dont want them to affect me too mch even tho most of the time it does...but it's ok, step by step I will get along with it.
I dont know how I got to this topic exactly...but that's something I didnt want to talk about actually. Today, while I was showering...I was thinking about yesterday's houseparty. I was talking to a girl who was going through hard times in uni and she was dealing with a lot of haitred and gossip and all. In her eyes they kind of bully her but she could not understand for what reason. And it just made me think because I asked myself this: Imagine, everybody would be more conscious about their actions...would their be still this haitred and gossip going on among women? If they'd do things right for themselves but also in front of others...would there be more harmony? I mean, if you dont like someone, why would you still spend engery and time in making other people's life so misery and hard? In order to boost your self-esteem? In order to prove others and yourself how great you are even tho deep down you're struggling with yourself and your self-esteem too? Why do people compensate their problems by making others suffer? Why dont we use the power and recognition in order to work on ourselves instead of teasing others? Is their just a lack of consciousness or what is this all about? And this doesnt mean that I havent been mean to others in my life atl all...but think about it. Are you aware of the things you actually do and say? WHY do you do the way you do it and most importantly WHY do one have to disturb other people's life too? It's just so sadistic this kind of behaviour...I don't believe people are generally aware of that...which is pretty sad but also ok. Maybe they dont want to, maybe they simply dont know...that's what I mean with projection: Others are bad people bcs they do this and that but in the end we see what we wanna see, we believe in what we wanna believe in. And it all comes back to projection. If everyone would have this broad view and ability for self reflection...would it make everything better? It's nothing wrong about admitting that we've been wrong. Ive been too but it's ok because we will move and and we will learn from that. I wish that people can just be overall more aware of what they do and say, look inside themselves instead of claiming that others are the villains and they themselves are the wanna-be victims.

Speaking of awareness. I also figured out that I can forgive people that I care about easily. I accept theirs and my mistakes and learn from it. Move on. I accept them the way they are, get along with their weird habbits and traits. It's ok for me. BUT why is it not ok for me when it concners my family? Why am I always complaining about my mom or sisters to be this and that? Why can't I just accept and move on? Because it should be ok for me the way they are. But no...I'm still complaining about certian things about them..things that I've bee aware of long ago. Yes, it bugs me but so what? Can I change them? No. Does it affect me? Yes. Why do I let if affect me instead of just accept it like in friendships? I dont know. Maybe because it just helps me to keep the distance between me and them? Maybe it helps me not allow them to hurt me? But still they do anyway...so why am I still doing it? Why can't I just accept them and move on? Or it's a "I dont want to"?!? But why? I see...I'm not moving forward...I feel like my thoughts are stucked somewhere like in a maze. The good thing is, at least I know there is something...that something I cannot define yet...
Anyways, I dont wanna blame myself for who I am...there's surely a reason behind my actions...cuz as I said in the beginning, behind every action is an intention or reason. And it's ok. As long as we are aware of that and work on it, things will turn out right.

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