A Blog By Tam

Mittwoch, 22. Februar 2017

IT'S  A LIONS CAVE, no doubt. Coming back home....I know exactly what it is like being back home, what I am confronted with and most importantly how I feel like. But still, I go home voluntary. As it might sound silly, I do this intentionally, I go inside the cave by choice just because I want to learn from my stay. Every time I go home, I learn something, I grow and I want that. And, ofc, I go home because of my brother and twinni, if they wouldnt be there, there's no point in going home. I also know, how intense and waste of energy it is here at home, but I let it affect me. Just for the time I am here, I let people apparently  tear me apart, damage things that I've been working on just to proove myself that I've grown up, that I have a choice. I can decide to what extent that input affects me. It hurts in  a way but I also manage to defend myself. I'm not keeping quite anymore and I sure dont care about their opinion. I mean, I think about their opinion but I'm definitely not scared of saying what I think...it's funny, most of the time, pepare a post or wrote something because it bothers me so much. It's intense...but worth it. And I am thankful for the experience at home, I am thankful for who they are, I try to accept it because I just learn that I'm not them and I dont wanna be them. I wanna be me. It encourages me to be more myself, to stay who I am. Experiences teach me how strong I actually am...that I also underestimate it. It teaches me that whatever you say/think/do, it will backfire anyway. So why go and waist my time in trying to make them understand what my point of view is in general? Cuz aslong as it doesnt equal them...I'm wrong according to them. It's fine, really. My opinion, their opinion..would be shitty if everyone has the same opinion. And it's interesting as well to have an access to their thinking. But what I want to hold on is: I dont wanna waste my time with  justifying myself. I dont wanna waist my time with making them see what I see. I dont wanna waist my time to fix my image because they believe I am crazy anywhere. And that's ok becaue yesterday, during a nightly chit chat with my sister, I said it out loud for the first time: I know I'm not perfect, I know I have a lot to work on and I know I can be better BUT nevertheless, I am happy with who I am from the inside. I would fcking date myself it I would be a guy, hell yeah. And how many people can say that about themselves? I am who I am, they are who they are and life goes on. I focus on the positive things cuz there's always something to hold on to even in my family. I invited my sis to a dinner..I'm so scared of that but also absolutely down for that. Always running away from what increases your fear is the wrong way. I have always avoided some alone-time with my sis and also my mum's friend because I know they gonna judge me about my appearance and behaviour. But this time, nope, I'm not gonna run away, I will face it and I will face it proudly and eagerly. Tschaka! It's crazy how much time passes until I realized that. This just strengthens my hope: Changes need time, braveness needs time. Be patient with yourself and rock it someday.
I was wondering where this all came from...all of a sudden. I think it's actually still becasue of the Indian movie I was talking about in one of my posts. It just taught me that courage is the key to anything, that we should appreciate time and life and make the best out of it. My professor once said "You can only be wise someday, when you have been young and crazy.". Thanks for the advice. So, let's be wild, crazy and let's do some "we-shouldnt-be-doing-this" thing like going inside the lion's cave. Ofc, I'll keep in my mind my values bcs living life to the fullest doesnt mean to neglect what you stand for and believe in. Experience, learn, grow and enjoy. I think it's gonna be my main slogan: Learn, grow and focus on the positive because every bad experiece is a good experience. and ofc, be you.

What is actually pretty interesting to me: I have been working on my honest and direct attitude for years now and I am still learning and growing. I wanna strengthen it, be honest to myself and to others. It's not my business anymore if they like it or not. 
When you are always nice to people and for one second you are honest and direct, people claim that you are agressive or rude for being direct. WHAT IS WRONG?! Instead of appreciating my honesty, it's been seen negatively. Ofc, once could say now: "Well, it depends on HOW you conveyed and said things". If you attack someone verbally, ofc they will end up being mad or stubborn. But as far as I can assess it, I have tried over the last 2 years to choose my words cautiously and wisely because a wrong word or statement can ruin a lot. So, I learned that an empathic, a supportive and respectfull language can be the key to communicate successfully. in the very first semester, I read a book about non-violent communication by M.  Rosenberg and that has been the foundation of my language. By no means, I'm perfect in integrating his...let's call them tips and hints but  still I'm trying to. Sometimes I am a real badass with that but sometimes, when I'm super impulsive and emotional again...I say mean things...but again, progress takes time (and I am not too proud to say sorry). I like to wortk with this idea of his although I dont absolutely agree with his whole book (it's in a way too exaggerated in my eyes). A few things written there are super helpfull such as how to critize/feedback someone ot just tell people what you wanna tell them in a respectfull and less judging way. Thank you for that! So, what was actually my point here....I dont remember...
Ah yeah, alright, I've been talking about being straight forward. So, why I referred to his book was because I try to be straight forward by incorporate his ideas as much as possible..still sometimes people react really aggressive about my honesty (it's so intresting how less people can deal with honesty in general, how they wanna make you feel shitty and make you look like a criminal). Either my language was not supportive and respectfull enough...or people still feel offended because they know I am right and they dont wanna admit to themselves that they are wrong. I dont really know. ALL I can do is: I will try to focus on my words even more (and to controle my outburst!) now to the extent that one day I can't blame myself anymore for being wrong, consequently to the extent that my honest words are a satisfaction for myself. Then it's up to them what they do with my words.

Ok anyway, topic change: I am surprised how much I coould encourage people to start writing! At the end of the semester, we had to present ourself a kinda self-awareness-workshop. Anyway, my presentation was based on my blog and writing because I just think it defines me since I am a overthinker lol. But again, that's ok cuz "weaknesses" are not necessairly weaknesses if we can see the actual strength behind them. So I told them a bit about it (but I kept my blog name's hidden. I dont really mind if someone finds it out someday cuz...well, they are accessible for anyone anyway, but maybe they will find a way to it without knowing who the actual author is...hard to find out just by the blog's name, I know haha) and people where surprised. Days later, I got the feedback that it just encouraged a few of them to do so too, and also to do it in English as I do too. They called me nerd for writing in English, I had to laugh so hard but I dont mind. I'm proud of that and it's a way to maintain my English knowledge so hands down! They liked the idea of having something to express their crazy thoughts. At that moment, I realized again how crazy psychology students are indeed haha! But I was absolutely happy and flattered, I'm not gonna lie. It's a good thing, it's a good thing for me.
Also, to some up date: I finished my 3rd semester already, exams turned out pretty ok so far...I was so lazy this smester, omg. Hope next semester will turn out better. I feel like, I havent learn as much as I did in 1st and 2nd semester...let's hope for the best! I felt so annoyed by this city that I was absolutely happy to be back in Cologne. No family member, no problem, no gossip here could ruin it. I roamed around the shopping street, glanced at the dome and I was happy. Nice to be back. Big City life, you are missed from time to time, who actually thought of that! Still, as much as I love it here, I dont wnana live here again...that's another story though. Exams are done but I still had to write 2 term papers that are considered as exams. One, I manage to submit....the other one...I dont know...it's super difficult and complex that I might delay it to next year again. We'll see, for now, I try to find a source/book/article to work with cuz it is the essence for the whole topic/term paper. I have a few ideas and will see to what extent I can realize it. 
This week, I'm gonna attend carnival for the very first time. After living in Colonge fpr 8 yearts by now, I thought it's about time. Besides, my Indian friend is coming for a visit, so I want her to have a cool culture exchange as well. Oh Lord...let's hope I will have fun. Costumes are ready and I am also ready. On monday, we both will be travelling to Porto/Lissabon for 6 days then it's "bye, bye, Cologne" again. Ready to rumble!

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