A Blog By Tam

Samstag, 11. März 2017

IT'S SATURDAY ALREADY, unbelievable...I've felt like this week passed by incredibly fast...most of the time, I've been simply sleeping. I sleep more than 12hs a day which is okay for me but 4 days in a row is a bit terrifying. I dont know what it is but I could sleep literally all day long...I feel tired after waking up, I feel unmotivated and overall lazy. And actually, to me, it doesnt seem like uni has already begun. I dont know why but it seems like I am not menatally back yet, physically for sure but my mind is somewhere but not here in Görlitz. Tomorrow I try to start the day right, sleep early and wake up early.
This month, I have to prepapre three presenations for uni...I'm glad that I try to get going but I dont feel it yet. Still, I hope work will bring things back to normal and I also do hope that I will find my motivation for studying again. I dont wanna complain all the time about this and that...things cant be changed so I have to try to change circumstances in a way that it's bearbable for me. I want to read more,  do more self-studies and start an actual job. I have submitted the necessary documents so now it's up to patience- totally not my strength. Will see to what extent I'm gonna be successfull.
I've been meeting up with a few people recently. People that I havent seen in a while and I gotta admit it's pretty nice! Although I enjoy surrounding myself with people I care about, I still feel like I actually need time to work things through as getting along with my sleeping habbits, organize myself etc. I dont regret having attended a move or a coffee meet up etc. at all...I mean I have decided so, so I am the last person who can complain about it. Still, I could have used the time to really get my shit together and organize things. The recent days...next to my weird sleeping habits...I'm just not with the presence itself. Consequently, I start forgetting things, miss appointments (I still cannot get over the fact that I have, indeed, missed a meeting with my prof and a friend...omg. Red lights on!)...summarzied: I need to get my shit together as fast as possible...I cannot stand this crazy mood fluctuations and disorganisation anymore. Next week's gonna be a good week!

To Portugal: I had an amazing time!!! Exactly the vaca that I needed after 3rd semester. We travelled to Porto, Lisboa and finally Sintra, a historical small city (definitely woth-seeing). We stayed in hostels (Pilot Hostel in Porto and Sunset Destination Hostel in Lisboa, the second one I highly recommend in case one of you plans a trip to Lisboa!) and got to know really nice people from Brazil and Spain/US. I'm really thankful for having the chance to share cool moments with those people! That's actually something I do appreciate about hostels: One always bump into people from all over the world, it's nice to exchange information about the own country. Hostels always help out, bring people by pub crawl, dinners, bars etc. together. It was indeed a pleasure. And of course, if you stay together 24/7, conflicts usually initiate...which is ok, as long as people talk about it. I dont really wanna go into details but I have surely learned something from this experience and disput, which is really important to me and it made me think more about the meaning of friendship. Shortly described: We went to a party, that girl blamed me for everything that happened (card loss,  for 'leaving' her alone in the club, for being a 'shitty' friend), mistreated me, talked bullshit about me and just accused me of things that I, in my eyes, havent done. And it's ok, it was a lot of stress, alcohol and downs BUT at least I expect and apology and a chance to justify what happend. Nope, that never happend and right now I just dont care about her anymore. I really got me thinking: When people treat you like shit without any reason, do one have to be the stupid one who bares all the nonsenses and false accusations? I dont think so. Do I have to be the one who has to stay friends with someone who doesn't care about your view but herself? Nah, surely not. I mean like, when I know already, a discussion is useless cuz that person will burst out on you anyway, do I still have to face it? Actually no, but I feel like at least I should give her one more shot in case she askes for it...if it will turn out the way I expect it...I'm more than done with it.. But for now, I dont care. She shouldnt contact me or pretend like we're friends without apologyzing first. Maybe I'm being resentful atm but I rather I think it's about fairness and politeness.
That's something I absoluetely dont get. I know I cant expect that from other people, but still...I dont get it: When you know you made a mistake (ofc assumed that that person is aware of her mistake), why dont you overcome your pride to make an apology? There's nothing wrong about making a mistake at all, more important is the act afterwards, I believe. In the end, everybody will learn from it, everybody will move on. In my eyes, the actual strength lays in the confession of our mistake. But apparently, it's not common. Yes, I do kind of expect from people to behave according to that but ofc it cant be expected from everyone..that's something I have to accept and learn now.
Above all, I also dont wanna get along with her extreme drinking habits especially, what alcohol turns her into: She's super agressive and under no controle. She's a grown up, she can take care of herself  but sometimes I dont get her behaviour: 6hrs before we're supposed to be leaving she went out for a party. I told her that she can do whateer she wants to do cuz she's old enough to take responsibility..at least she should be. Anyways, 20min before we were about to leave, she got back from patying: stuff were unpacked, she smelled like she bathed in beer and the worst thing was she was absoulutely drunk and aggressive. That's disrespectful and irresponsible towards me and my family too cuz after coming back she stayed at my place...I even had to tell her to get fresh, change clothes, take shower cuz she smelled that bad on our entire way back. And my brother was home and she was about to cuddle him. I cant take and accept such a behaviour...I have no words for that and was undoubly ashamed of her. Back home it was pretty weird between us but I am glad I am back in Görlitz where I can avoid her for a few days and it feels right. I had to try hard to act normal cuz I didnt want her to feel uncomfortable at home in case we couldnt have solved this stupid problem...thinking about it, I feel like I'm back in 7th grade....omg!
Parallely, I read a quote about friendship and totally matched to this situation. It said that real friends allow you to be who you are, they give you the freedom you need to be you that means they dont judge you, they listen to your words, support and accept you. As a friend one either get along with the "downsides" of a person or leave it and move on. In my eyes, I dont want to accept her behaviour which is why atm I leave it and move on. It might seem radical but it's good for me now. And I also try to live according to this quote in my family...peu a peu. I want to support my sister in her realtionship, be there for her, accept her decisions, accept my mum's habbits, stay in contact with my brother via video call (better than nothing :P) etc. I want people to provide me this kind of freedom so in return I want to give people the freedome/chance to be who they wanna be even in my presence. It's up to me to get along with it.

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