A Blog By Tam

Dienstag, 20. Juni 2017

Exams are approaching. Somehow, I dont feel stressed yet...well, this will change for sure after tuessday. I dont like the feeling of feeling no stress...kinda awkward, huh?
Anyways, I had a wonderful, wonderful weekend with a few friends in Dresden. It's great how things turn within the semesters...I mean among groups and friends: There are people you start avoiding...not because you dont like them anymore...but just because you feel like you need your own space. And it's no offense, by all means, you just start separating and still one cares but just not as much as before. Surely no offense to those people. There have been little misunderstandings among people who obviously need to be close to others. That's totally fine. But I just became less and less clingy I guess. Whenever I'm kinda getting hed up about them and there needs...I start seeing myself in them. I used to be like that. I used to want to be part of everything. I used to expect from friends to invite me to anything. But why is that so? They dont owe me anything. Besides, just because they dont hang out with you 24/7, it doesnt say anything about the relaionship...well, at least most of the time it doesnt. Anyways, that's a long story. Let's get back to Dresden and this wonderful and relaxing weekend:

It was BRN (=Bunte Republik Neustadt) time. It's a festival that was set up years ago in Dresden as a counter movement to the reunion of DDR and BRD. It's rather a satire festival tho but still I find the story behind it cool anyway. So, we stayed in a city actually close to Dresden, not Dresden itself (still I love this beautiful city), at a friends house (let's call him A). But boy, A was pretty nice and gentleman-like. He offered us his whole appartment wheras he stayed in his father's house with his girlfriend. I felt blessed and absolutely thankful for such kindness! It was a cozy and comfortable stay there. I appreciate and love him for his kindness...that's unbelievable...
In the afternoon, we explored the small city he lived in. The weather was a bit cold but still endurable for spring. I have been there for my second time by now and I have to say, it's undoubtly a lovely city...here and there pretty rural I'd say. In the evening we went to the BRN. My first time there. I missed it last year, god knows why, so this year I was the very first one in the line. And I liked it. It's well...colourful, crowded and super alternative. It's not my world STILL super cool experience. Finally, I can announce that I made it there. People say, the flair from the past faded away over years (kinda usual when festivals or events become commercial) so it's not comparable to the past. But that's ok..it's always like that. The next day, our friend invited us for brunch to his father's house: unbelievable lovely! And in the afternoon, we got to know his mom and grandparents. Wow, just wow! I cannot describe in words how awesome the time was and how lovely his family is. They equal him so much. After cake and coffee with his family, we headed home. It was a super funny drive, as usual, and we ended the day with a huge pizza for each of us at our secret pizza place. Cannot ask for more! As for the weekend...great! As for the people: great as well! 

There's this one friend of him that I really like (as a buddy ofc...let's call him B)...even tho I literally scratched his eyes out for annoying me ( I can get so bitchy, omg...). Anyways, he's super funny and his humour is so similar to A...that's something I really adore about them. Having the same humour is super crucial in friendships...especially with me...bcs I can get SUPER cynical.
But my point in all this is: As long as I know and perceive the relationship as a friendship, I can act normally. BUT once I feel like someone tries to approach me emotionally and maybe physically I start panicing. And it's not cool at all...but it's just a part of my personality. I'm aware of the fact that nothing is actually going on BUT the idea of the possibility makes me freak out. -.-
I mean, I didnt notice anything and I still believe there's nothing but friendship but if someone sees things differently, it simply irritates me. Then I start rethinking things and moments...and suddenly I feel like that person is right. She said in her eye's he was trying to subliminally get my attention by always sitting next to me (could be coincidence?!) and by mocking me (that sth I noticed tho). Maybe, he just wanted to provoke me in a way because I know him...he likes to provoke people and maybe I just offered him the surface to do so...other than that, we are not in touch on an everyday basis. He's busy with work and I'm busy with my life here lol. So, once my friend C told me about her perceptions..I bursted out on her! 2 secondes later I realized: I must be crazy for bursting out on her. She didnt do anything...it somehow felt like a threat...those words... that moment I also realized...this reaction must come from deep down...there's no other explanation for that...

I dont want C to be right because I start acting all weird in front of B then. And I dont want to be like that. I just dont know yet how to controle my behaviour and thoughts. Makes me go nuts. SO CRAZY. He didnt do anything but still he manages to make me go nuts. I cant believe, I said that...I'm a crazy lady, no doubt.....and that bothers me: How can people affect me even tho they didnt actually do anything Just the rhought of it, makes me go nuts. THE THOUGHT. Deep down I know it's fear and low self-worth...which is sad btw. I know that the thought of someone who MIGHT be interested in me just burdens me.It irritates me...leaves me disturbed. What can I do about it? First things first: I had to write it down so my head can process it better...but I need to keep cool...cuz I actually like him as a buddy. Brings sunshine and intellectuality to every conversation. Oh btw, with this squad you know, you're being challenged in a way. We always find interesting topics to discuss and talk about...really interesting. Sometimes it's too much for me because from time to time you just want to chill out...I dont always want my brain to work so hard...but still, admittedly, those conversations were really inspiring...for the first time of my life I felt like an adult and most importantly like a woman...talking about death, taxes, future goals, politics, the meaning of life...the list is endless. Now, that I think back to that...just WOW. It really widened my horizon. Thanks guys!

Oops, I divigated again...I just had to clear my mind a bit...CHILL OUT, girl, just CHILL OUT. I just feel like taking the metro and drive far, far away: just a mind escape. The worst thing is: with guys, it usually goes that way. Why am I even surprise that I am still single lol?. It's on me...I know....I need to grow and learn from that. I'm not judging myself, by no means. There have been experiences in my life that had a huge impact on my personality. That's totally fine...I just need to find out what it is...especially, what to do about it.

[picture was taken in Paris 2 years ago by my iphone 5...crazy how cool the edit turned out]

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